My view of fairness

As a single mother with three children my mom tried to do her best to make things fair in our house.  At meals time everyone got the same amount of food.  When it was back-to-school time everyone got the same amount of money to spend on shoes. On Christmas my father had to buy my younger brother, who was not his son, toys because it was not fair in my mother’s eyes that one child would have more than the other on Christmas day.  From a young age I learned what you do for one you must do for all.  As I look back at my childhood I am amazed at how my mother was able to pull it off because as an adult my concept of fairness is constantly challenged.  

Being a father of 5 children I am guaranteed trip to the shoe store every two months.  Someone is going to need new shoes.  The last time I was in the store I found myself struggling with the fact that I was only going to buy shoes for one child. Eventually I had to call my wife to give me affirmation that it was justified because her toe was coming out of the shoe, and not the other children’s.  I did not struggle with spending the money. What bothered me was the concept that just because we can do the same for all did not mean we had to.

In the family it seems less challenging.  When it comes to the ministry it is more complicated for me.  We have an orphanage, a Christian school, a church, a ministry that helps pastors and church leaders, not to mention being an aspiring author.  If I wanted to be equal in all areas at the same time I literally could not.  It is impossible for me to give the same amount of time, energy, and focus to all that we do at all times.  I have tried it and it has worn me out.  So, I find myself having to make wise decisions of my fairness due to these limitations.   

 
My traditional view:  “To be fair I must do the same for all.”
My new view of fairness:  “To be fair I must devote my energy to that which God points out is the most important thing at the time.”

If I devote the energy to the good thing instead of the God thing I find myself being unfair to both the good thing and the God thing.  The challenge is identifying the difference.

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dealing with pressure is an everyday reality for the leader.   It is also one of the reasons that people follow us.  For some reason in the darkest hour a leader can somehow find the hope to see the positive side of the situation.  They have the ability to see light in the middle of darkness.

As I thinking about the ability to see light in the middle of darkness it is many times a decision of will more than anything else.  When things do not go our way there is always to ways to look at the situation.  From the positive side and from the negative side.  The way that I like it is that in every situation is a small fire.  When the leader arrives he has with him two buckets.  One bucket has water in it and the other has gasoline.  Depending on the attitude that they have it will determine if the fire gets bigger or get’s put out.  Everything depends on the attitude that the leader has.

To help you to keep a positive attitude when we are in tough situations here are a few things to keep in mind:

1)      The attitude that you display about a situation will be contiguous to the people follow you.  They will have the same outlook towards the future as you do.

2)      Your attitude will determine the outcome of what you are doing.  Those who think they can and those who think they cannot are both right.

3)      When you it seems the darkest is the time that you are closest to the light.  I like to think of it as God is the closest to me when I am in the most need of His assistance.  Whether I ask for it or accept it is up to me but He is always there.

If we can somehow find the bright spots in a given situation we will be able to overcome the dark times and achieve our organizational goals.

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Questions:

• What are some of the things that you can personally do to find light when you are in the middle of dark times?
• Find a person that you know has mastered the ability to find light in dark situations.  Ask them for an hour of their time and do an interview trying to find out what they do.  Once you have discovered a few things start practicing them this week.

“Solitude is as needful to the imagination as society is wholesome for the carácter” James Russell Lowell

There is power in silence.   The world we live in is a world full of noise and many times it requires that we escape from it so that we can think clearly.  I have noticed that in order to stay sane and focuses one must have a constant practice of alone time.  For some reason it is necessary to have alone time so one can celebrate who they are and not become a copy of others.

When I say personal time I am referring to I am talking about time alone where a person is allowing their imagination and dreams form who they are.  A time when one explores their likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations, etc.  Many times this it helpful to carry along a pen and piece of paper to journal because it is these times we form who we really are.  These are essential times for us as a leader.  Some of my most powerful revelations and times with God have been in times like these.

To help you grasp the concept of “times of solitude” I have given a few suggestions below:

1)      Find a place that if free from distractions.  The last thing you need when you are trying to have solitude time is have a ton of distractions.  People knocking at the door, phone ringing, people passing by, etc. do not produce an adequate location for a time of solitude.  Look for a place with very few distractions.

2)      Find a place that get’s  you in the right mode.  We have work places that when we go there we are in an attitude to work.  Relaxation places where when we go we are ready to relax.  The same is true when it comes to a place of solitude.  Find a place that when you are there you are ready to get in the right mindset.

3)      Take something to journal with.  No one is talented enough to remember all of their thoughts so taking a pin and a piece of paper along is helpful.  You can write things down that impact you or inspire you so that later you can go back to them.

4)      Often times it is helpful to lesson more than speak.    In these times of solitude many time God will speak.  It is hard to hear Him when you are doing all of the talking. Make it a practice to have times of silence during your time of solitude.

5)      Find the time where you are your best.  It is not the best plan to have your time of solitude in times where you are sleepy.  In other words if you are not a morning person do not put yourself through the struggle of trying to stay away in the mornings.  If you are not a night person do not give yourself the extra challenge of trying to stay awake at night.   Find a time that works well with you.

The more that we lead others the more confident we have to be in being ourselves.  Times of solitude help us to focus and refocus our thoughts.  It helps us to maintain who we are in a society of rapid change.

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Questions:

• Can you identify when is the best time of the day for you to have a time of solitude?
• This week make a schedule of distinct times where you can have 45 minutes of solitude.  Take a notebook and a pen and write down some of your reflections.

“Fear is a question. What are we afraid of and why? Our fears are the treasure house of self-knowldege if we explore them.” Marilynn French

“There is no fear in love because perfect love casts our all fear.”

I have heard that the thing that we fear has power over us and in my personal life I have found that true.  The things that I avoid usually have an un healthy hold on my life.  What I have also noticed is that when I face that fear no matter how difficult it is it allows me to become a stronger person.  So my fears can be my greatest enemy and my greatest friend at the same time.

Everyone fears something; even leaders.  But the difference between leaders that achieve a consistent level of long-term success is that they face their fears and not avoid them.  They have somehow been able to find the courage to face their fears and become a better person because of it.  On the other side of fear is freedom.

To help us conqueror our fears and get to the freedom on the other side here are a few suggestion:

1)       Make the thing that you constantly avoid your target.  Usually we avoid things for a reason.  It is a sign that something is not healthy.  But when we make those things that we try to avoid our first area of attack things usually work out better.

2)      Attack your fears.  When you recognize that you fear something do not let it have power over you.   The thing you fear doing do the exact opposite.  Dominate and attack that which is attacking your.

3)      Think possibility and not impossibility.  All things are possible if you are willing to do what is necessary.  But first you must conquest that which constantly conquests you.

4)      Do allow look for excuses to not face your fears.  You fears will not go away if you simply avoid them. In actuality they usually grow if you do not face them.  So make it your goal to not give yourself the excuse to not do anything.

5)      Do it sacred if you have to.   Many times the fear of something is so great that we cannot do it without fear.  That is okay because if we cannot do it without fear we will just have to do it scared.   Some of the greatest accomplishments often happen when we do something in fear and trembling.

Do not let the fear factor dominate you. What we fear controls us.  Have the courage to confront your fears.

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Questions:

• Can you identify what are your three greatest fears at this time?
• Can you identify why you fear them so much?
• What would be necessary for you to conqueror that fear the next time you face it?

“Some of the best lessons we ever learn we learned from our mistakes and failures. The error of the past is the success and wisdom of the future.” Tyron Edwards

One of the greatest qualities of a great leader is they know how to make mistakes.  Many times we fear making mistakes and because of that we often do not make decisions.  Trying to avoid making mistakes is like trying to not breath; sooner or later you are going to have to do it.   But there is an upside to making mistakes; we can always learn from them.

If we consider mistakes as opportunities to learn something then mistakes are not final or fatal.  In fact they are a necessary step in the growth process.  As a leader I will do my best to make the best quality decision I can.  When the outcome of my decision does not turn out like I would have liked then I will consider it as a part of the learning process and use my mistake to make a better decision in the future.   Keeping this in mind the question is never will I fail but will I use what I have learned in the decision that I am making to make myself a better informed leader?

To further grasp the concept here are a few things about learning from your mistakes:

1)      Do not allow a mistake cripple you from dreaming big.   Big mistakes can knock the wind out of us if we do not watch it.  The can cripple us with fear and make us cut our dreams short.  Our challenge as a leader is to not allow mistakes to clip our wings to dream.

2)      Realize that mistakes are a common thing in leadership.  We all make them.  The reason why we think we are alone is because most leaders do not talk about their mistakes.   When we understand that we all make mistakes it frees us to be more courageous.

3)      Consider mistakes as valuable tools for future success.  It is a interesting reality that many of our most valuable lessons in life we have learned from the mistakes we have made as well as the victories we have celebrated.  The scares we have often teach us the best lessons in life.

4)      Never give up.  No matter how hard a blow life gives us if we do not give up we will win in the end.

Mistakes are lessons that help us on the journey to success.  Each step of the way they allow us to become better leaders.

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Questions:

• What are some of the most valuable lessons you have learned over the years that you have learned through mistakes?
• Do you have a positive outlook on the mistakes you have made and will make?  How can you tell your outlook is positive?
• Ask a leader that you admire if they would share one of the mistakes they have made and have become a better leader because of it.  Ask them what are some of the advice they can give you so you learn from your future mistakes.

“If there was nothing wrong in the world there would be nothing for us to do.” George Bernard Shaw

One of the job descriptions of a leader is that they solve problems.  If you are reading this you are most likely leading others.  For the simple fact that you are leading others your day most likely consist of solving problems.  Many times we resent that we have the responsibility to solve problems but in actually if we did not do it we would not be considered the leader.  So as much as it frustrates us we should learn to embrace it.   It basically a change in attitude.  I would say 60 to 70 percent of may day is revolved around solving problems.  I decided a long time ago that is I am going to have so much of my work day revolved around solving problems then I should at least be good at it.  In other words making it the goal to be the best problem solver I can be.

To help you in this area here are a few practices that you can do to help you become a better problem solver:

1)       Try to make big important decisions when you are at your best.  It is not always possible but when it is try to make big decisions when you are at your best.  When you have had enough rest.  When you are not fatigued.  When you have had ample time to look at the different options, aspects and contributing factors.  When you are physically and mentally in a position to make a sound decision.

2)      Learn the difference between when to make a quick decision and when to take your time.  Large decisions that affect others are usually decisions that you do not want to make quickly.  You want to take your time and investigate the situation.  On the other had there are other decisions that you can make quickly and move on.  A good leader knows the difference between a low involved decision and a larger decision that requires you to be more involved in the process.

3)      Do not make other people urgency your urgency.  Many leaders make quick decisions because they feel the pressure others.  More often than not when we surrender to the pressure of other we end up making a bad decision.   Do not let the urgency of others pressure you into making a bad decision.

As I mentioned earlier our long-term success as a leader is greatly based upon how well we make important decisions.  The more we prepare ourselves for when the opportunity arises the better.

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Questions:

1)       Spend some time evaluation the difference between high involved decisions and low involved decision.  List below three decisions that you have to make in the next couple of weeks.  Do they require high involvement or low involvement?

2)      How can you prepare yourself to make a good decision in this area?

3)      What are some of the quick decisions that you can make in this week that do not require much thought?

 

“It is always better to fail in doing something than to excel in doing nothing” Anonymous

“Faith without action is dead.”

It is general knowledge that leader’s actions should be those that please the Father.  For the most part we want to make decisions that The Father wants us to make.  But one of the things that I have notices is that many well-meaning leaders cripple themselves in the area of action because they spend too much time contemplating if something is God’s will or not.   There is a fine line between doing the wrong thing and doing nothing.   A good leader has learned how to discern the different.

If we look at it from a biblical perspective the Bible shows us that God is pleased when we take a step of faith.  By definition a step of faith is an action of faith.  In whatever decision that we must make there is three types of information we use.  1)  Scientific information which is information you have gathered to aid in the decision, 2) experience which is your personal experience of experience you have borrowed from others and 3) a educated guess.   The first to we can gather but the third is something that we call if Christian circles faith.  We simple give it our best shoot believing if we are making the wrong decision that God well honor us at least moving forward.   The reasoning is that making any decision and moving in a direction is better than not moving in any direction.  If we make the wrong decision at least we will learn it was the wrong decision and can go back and change.

Here are a few suggestions to help you not cripple yourself when it comes to making decisions:

1)      Get the information you need but do not overdo it.  Having information is good but there comes a time when not matter how much information you have you will have to make a decision.  Do not let the need to collect information cripple you from making a decision.

2)      If you have never made a similar decision like you have to make before barrow the experience of others.   Many times we limit our information to personal experiences but what do we do when we have no personal experience in a certain decision.  It is in these times that we can ask others that have experience in this area for their advice.

3)      Leave open the possibility that you may be wrong.  Often time even when we have done a good job in all of the areas that we make a bad decision.  It is all part of the process to help us make a better decision the next time a similar decision comes along.

4)      Trust in God’s ability to correct you when you are on the wrong track.  Never underestimate God’s ability to correct you if he needs to.  He is honored when we try to step out in faith and do what he desires for us to do.  Even when when we get it wrong He is able to take our plan B and make it better than plan A.

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Questions:

• Can you identify a few decisions that you are having to make that are taking longer than you feel are necessary?  Can you assess why they are taking longer then you anticipated?
• Do you currently feel pressure from other people to make a quick decision?  How do you deal with that pressure when it is present?
• What is your process of learning from your mistakes when you make a bad decision?

 

“One’s friends are that part of the human race with which one can be human.” George Santayana

“He who wants to have friends must first show himself friendly.”

One of my biggest suggesting when a person asks me what they can do to help them become a better leader is to find yourself some genuine friends.  Through there are many aspects of friendship one of the biggest is that they allow you to be yourself.  In a society of constant change there is a tendency to try to make everyone change to be like you but a true friend values the differences they find in others and lets them be themselves.  To have friends you must allow them to be themselves and to be a friend you must do the same.

In your quest to be a better leader today I give you the following suggestions in the area of leadership:

1. Judge others only when you are forced to.  Many times we have to judge a friend is they are unapologetically choosing to live in sin but the majority of time judging is not necessary.  We do not like being judged all of the time and neither do others.  We express unconditional love.
2. Do not try to make everyone be like you.  Because we often feel that the way we live our life is the best way to live we often try to make people be like us.  God delights in verity and we should as well and let people be themselves.
3. Understand and adapt yourself to your different friends.  Because people are different it requires us to adapt when we are with them.  Some friends talk more than others.  Other friends spend the majority of the time listening.  Some are very aggressive and others are extremely passive.  Because we value friendship it requires us to adapt with different people.  Not to the point that we compromise who we are but to the point to be a true friend.
4. Be unashamedly hopeful with your friends.   One of the greatest factors of good friends is that they believe in you.  They have hope that you can succeed, change, grow and love.  No matter what happens they never give up hope.
5. Learn to be a listening ear for those that you consider your friends.   Chances are our closest friends are those who are good listeners.  It is a healthy part of life that a person processes where their life is headed.  To have someone that will listen to you while you are in that processing time and not judge you is priceless.

Start practicing a few of this action steps to be a genuine friend and you will find yourself being surrounded with genuine people.

Questions:

• Consider a few of your closest friends.  Why do you consider them dear friends?
• What are some of the things that they do that makes you say that they are good friends?
• Take a few days and practice the same quality that these friends have and journal how it changes their day.

 

 

– “All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter’s evening. Some of us let great dreams die; but others nourish and protect them, nurse then through bad days til they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true.” Woodrow Wilson

All leaders have dreams but many times they differ in the size of their dreams.  Some have big dreams and others have small dreams.  Without going into a lot of detail the difference between a big dream and small dream is a small dream only involves oneself and a big dreams is one that involves an entire host of other people.  Successful leaders dream big dreams.   No matter if you dream big dreams or small dreams they all have something in common.  They require a constant balance of nourishing and protecting.

It does us good to consider dreams like a house plant.  If we were to leave a house plant laying around without watering and cultivating it’s dirt every once in a while the plant would eventually die.  The same is true with our dreams it requires a constant process of watering and cultivating for them to reach their maximum potential.

As we consider the nourishing of our dreams here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. If your dreams are to grow they must be visited often.  Visiting your dreams is a process of frequently spending time mentally processing them.  I call it visiting them.   Just like we have to water plants frequently each time we spend time thinking on our dreams we allow them to continue to grow.
2. If your dreams are to grow they must be communicated often.  Speaking your dreams allows you to think clear.  The reason is because when we share it with others we have to communicate it in such a way that they understand.  It allows us to see where there are holes in the implementation of it and areas where we just have not thought it out well.
3. If your dreams are to grow eventually they will be larger than what you can do by yourself.  All great dreams require others. T hey become bigger than the dreamer.  It is also a sign that the dream comes for God because God desire that we be part of community.
4. If your dreams are to grow they must change and grow over time.  We receive dreams in stages of completion.  In other words we never receive a dream from beginning to completion.  Overtime it grows, changes and transforms as we grow, change and transform.

A sign of a healthy dreams is that they continue to have the ability to dream and dream big.

 

 

My better man list

Are there any other crazy people out there like me?  Every couple of months, without fail, I find myself with a “today is the day I am going to become the man I have always wanted to be” complex.  It usually starts with some new notebook a pen and a ton of writing down ideas.  I want to husband, father, Christian, bowler, whatever.   I can not tell you how many notebooks I have laying around the house.

Over the years I have been able to take a few things off of my “better man” list.  I love it when that happens.  Yet still I find myself with a ton of things that are still works in process.

Maybe the key to success is not how many things I take off  my “better man” list but that there are constantly things on the it?